I experienced a great learning lesson recently about the difference between humour and sarcasm in the toolkit of the leader.
Sarcasm is generally a "sharp, bitter, cutting expression or remark". The biggest issue with sarcasm as it pertains to the leader is that it employs ambivalence, which runs counter to one of the leaders greatest skills and tools, empathy. Humour is "the tendency of a particular cognitive experiences to provoke laughter and provide amusement. Sarcasm can easily be disguised as humour because it often makes people laugh, but the cost of sarcasm is the amusement and happiness of the person whom the sarcastic remark is being directed. Important constituent relationships can also be damaged or ruined due to misunderstanding the difference between sarcasm and humour.
Sarcasm has always been a big part of my humour. I grew up with sarcasm as in integral part of humour in my family and with my peer group. We didn't fight or do physically mean things to each other. Instead, like lion cubs sparring for their place in the tribal hierarchy we used sarcasm to establish our position. Growing up my friends and I would throw sarcastic remarks back and forth at each other like a breakdance battle until a winner (and subsequent loser) was pronounced by the crowd of peers.
I've toned down the sarcasm considerably as I've become more aware of that sarcastic remarks can cut deep and hurt people. However, like all of us, every once in a while I slip and use sarcasm when trying to be funny, instead of humour. While the intention of is to bring amusement and a light heartedness to a situation, it can be lost if the constituents perceive ambivalence, or feel hurt from a comment.
As I work more and more in a coaching capacity and those I serve see me as a source of inspiration, motivation, support and guidance I have learned how important it is for me to temper my sarcasm. More recently I have really focused on the difference between humour and sarcasm in order to develop a new approach to humour that does not include sarcasm. I will continue to be my authentic self. So that includes using humour, because I would prefer to laugh and bring levity to situations. This approach has served me well, as people enjoy working with me. I help the team keep things in perspective and see the opportunities, possibilities and solutions when many believe the sky is falling. However, it is important for me to allow my emotional intelligence to guide me to greater heights than "how have my comments or behaviour influenced the feelings of others" to "how could my comments be perceived by my constituents". It is also important to understand context when using humour in leadership. You must understand the situational factors. Without full information, what is humour to you, could be considered as insensitivity to others. My advice, when in doubt about context, or when without full info, hold off on the humour until you get more info.
Social media and instant messaging have added new layers of complexity to the dynamics of humour in leadership because intention, inflection and intonation are often lost and/or mis-understood through these mediums of communication.
The next time you are tempted to use sarcasm with your constituents, stop and ask yourself the following questions:
- Does this thought drive negative of positive emotions?
- Am I bringing positive or negative energy to the situation?
- Will my team follow my lead? Do I want them to follow my lead?
- Am I focussing on a solution or adding fuel to the fire of the problem?
- Would I want my mentor, father or child hear me say this?
You may think that this is a lot to bear on your shoulders. For better or for worse its the responsibility associated with leadership and the accountability all leaders should take. I'm always happy for the experiences that lead me to a place of self improvement. This is certainly an area where my awareness is growing and where I look forward to continued development.
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