WALKING WITH MY DAD

I conducted a little informal experiment recently after observing parents walking with their kids.  I will often see parents walking at a speed faster than their children.  The child has the option of keeping up by walking uncomfortably fast or walking at their preferred speed and lagging behind.

I recreated this scenario with my son.  I would walk at my preferred pace ahead of my son and implore him to keep up.  My son would make a conscious effort to keep up.  He would catch up, then slow down and lag behind and then catch up again.  He would continue this pattern until we reached our destination as long as I was barking at him to keep up.  

I tried the another scenario where I did the same thing, except this time did not offer any instruction about keeping up with me.  In this situation I would walk at my preferred pace and he would walk at his.  I would understandably walk faster than him and the gap between the two of us would grow.

Finally I decided to slow down and meet my son where he was and walking at his pace.  I held his hand and we walked together.  I observed something interesting. Once I slowed down and held his hand, he actually walked faster.  Not at my pace, but at a pace faster than he did when I wasn't holding his hand.  I was walking slower than my natural pace, but not as slow as I would be if I had slowed down completely to his speed.  We were clearly walking together.

This experience spotlighted a noteworthy approach to leadership.  We often spend too much time identifying and focusing on the gaps between where our constituents are and where we want them to be ie. the distance between my son and I walking at our preferred speed.  We share this gap focus with our constituents in the form of feedback. You're walking too slow! You need to walk faster! Keep up! The speed at which you walk is not good enough or fast enough!  However an incredible phenomenon happens when we meet people where they are, and hold their hand to move them forward.  Holding someones hand is an analogy for creating a relationship with a constituent.  It's saying we're going to work together to facilitate your growth. It's saying I'm going to take the time to learn about you and understand you without judgement and without any other motive.  It's an understanding that such a relationship drives permission to influence from the constituent to the leader, so that the leader can influence and stretch the follower to walk a bit faster.  Or in another situation, context or environment, to grow.  Not necessarily at the speed of the leader, but at a greater speed than when their was no relationship, no influence, no meeting the constituent where they are and no empathy.

Focus on the gaps simply drives focus on what a constituent is not, where they are not and sometimes even why they are not.  Influential relationships take the constituents to a new place, just beyond their current place of existence, skill and strength level.  This moves our intention to facilitating progress and growth.